Rudy Giuliani:
He that shall live that day, and see old age,
Will daily on the campaign trail feast the voters,
And say 'Once was 9/11.'
Then will he load his film and show his clips,
And say 'These photo ops I had on 9/11 Day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What sound bites spoke that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words -
Rudy the Mayor, and also maybe W.,
Be in their frothy mugs freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the speechwriter ever type;
And 9/11 shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the closing of the polls,
But we in it shall be remembered -
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that casts his vote for me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentile his condition;
And candidates for president now-a-stage
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not there,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That posed with us upon 9/11 Day.
* * * * *
John McCain:
This copy of the Constitution was in your daddy's pocket when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the document, they would confiscate it and take it away. The way your dad looked at it, the Constitution was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: in his ass. Five long years, he wore this document up his ass. Then, when he died of dysentery, he gave me the Constitution. I hid this uncomfortable and legislatively constricting piece of paper up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give it to you. Sorry about that brown stain blotting out some of the Bill of Rights.
* * * * *
Ron Paul:
The key to faking out the Republican mainstream is the anti-tax stand. It's a good non-specific position. A lot of people will tell you that opposing abortion is a dead lock, but if you get any press on it, you could land on the rubber chicken circuit in the Bible Belt. That's worse than Congress. What you do is, you pull out a pocket edition of the Constitution, discover to your ‘astonishment’ there’s nothing about hydroelectric plants or an Air Force in it and then you vote no on the appropriation bill. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is politics.
I did have a debate today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on Islamic fascism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not Islamic, I don't plan on being Islamic, so who gives a crap if some of them are fascists? They could be communist Druids - that still wouldn't change the fact that we’re not on the Gold Standard. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be Dr. Walrus - I'd still have to put up with morons like Giuliani.
* * * * *
Mitt Romney:
Ah, hello. Well, first of all I'd like to apologize for the behavior of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved Republican Party or of today’s mostly monogamous Mormon Church. They are a small vociferous minority... and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no polygamy in the Republican Party, at least not among those of us who are also in the Mormon Church, which is more than some non-Mormon Republicans can say, not that I’d ever mention it. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new members are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find more than two toothbrushes in the master bathroom, they're to tell me immediately so that I can take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, child brides are right out, unless the candidate is an actor.
* * * * *
Tom Tancredo:
Son, we live in a country that has borders, and those borders have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Romney? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for illegal immigrants, and you curse the border patrol. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the occasional illegal's death, while tragic, probably saved jobs. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves jobs. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to build that wall, you need me to build that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. English words. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the Navajo blanket of the very security that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a post hole shovel, and help build the wall. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
* * * * *
CNN Moderator: Thank you, Gentlemen. Unfortunately, we’ve run out of time, so as the closing credits role, let’s hear briefly from all the other candidates:
Chorus (Sam Brownback, Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, Duncan Hunter, Tommy Thompson) in unison:
We represent the Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
And in the name of the Rest of the Paaaaaaaack,
We’d like a house to drop on these guys, too!
* * * * *
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