Todd “First Dude” Palin: Gov, Honey, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Sarah “The Gov” Palin: I'm Pregnant.
Bristol Palin: Oh, God.
Sarah Palin: But, uh ah, I'm not going to give it up for adoption and I'm certainly not going to get an abortion. After all, I'm only in my mid-forties and the First Dude and I are the perfect couple. Just look at how well you two turned out. Besides, if I play my cards right with the Geezer, pretty soon the federal government will be paying for the medical expenses and everything. And, and in, what, um, 50 or so odd years when your dad and I are both dead you can just pretend that this never happened.
Track Palin: You're pregnant?
Sarah Palin: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bristol Palin: I didn't even know that you and Dad were still sexually active.
Sarah Palin: I, uh...
Track Palin: Who is the kid?
Sarah Palin: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bristol Palin: Nails, really?
Sarah Palin: Yeah!
Track Palin: No, I know. I mean what’s its name going to be?
Sarah Palin: Umm... We haven't decided on a boy's name yet, but if it's a girl, it's going to be Juneau Palin
Track Palin: Juneau Palin?
Sarah Palin: What?
Track Palin: God, can’t you people ever come up with, like, a normal name?
Todd “First Dude” Palin: Huh?
Bristol Palin: Anyway, Mom... Dad... while we’re on the topic of shenanigans....
Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Clinton Endorses Obama?
No, not really.
For now, just file under Stories That Wouldn't Surprise Us:
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today in a surprise announcement just hours before the Democratic National Convention is scheduled to begin, former President William Jefferson Clinton declared his total and enthusiastic support for Barack Obama to become the Democratic Party nominee for president, effectively becoming the last significant member of the Democratic Party aside from Hillary herself to endorse Obama.
“You know I love Hillary,” Clinton explained, “and short of remaining faithful to her sexually I’d do just about anything for her; but politics is the art of the possible and, quite frankly, that bitch just won’t hunt, if you know what I mean.”
In a brief question and answer period following his announcement, Clinton said he thought poor white voters would vote for Obama over McCain in November. “After all, they voted for me twice, so this time all they have to do is vote for a black president who’s, you know, actually black.”
Clinton also said the chances of Hillary being offered or accepting the Vice Presidential nomination were “about as likely as me giving Kenneth Starr ‘a Monica,’” and he flatly denied rumors that his endorsement came at the price of Obama naming him for the first Supreme Court vacancy. When asked as he was leaving the stage why then there were numerous recent reports of him interviewing female law students “for possible clerkship openings,” Clinton simply smiled and declined comment.
For now, just file under Stories That Wouldn't Surprise Us:
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today in a surprise announcement just hours before the Democratic National Convention is scheduled to begin, former President William Jefferson Clinton declared his total and enthusiastic support for Barack Obama to become the Democratic Party nominee for president, effectively becoming the last significant member of the Democratic Party aside from Hillary herself to endorse Obama.
“You know I love Hillary,” Clinton explained, “and short of remaining faithful to her sexually I’d do just about anything for her; but politics is the art of the possible and, quite frankly, that bitch just won’t hunt, if you know what I mean.”
In a brief question and answer period following his announcement, Clinton said he thought poor white voters would vote for Obama over McCain in November. “After all, they voted for me twice, so this time all they have to do is vote for a black president who’s, you know, actually black.”
Clinton also said the chances of Hillary being offered or accepting the Vice Presidential nomination were “about as likely as me giving Kenneth Starr ‘a Monica,’” and he flatly denied rumors that his endorsement came at the price of Obama naming him for the first Supreme Court vacancy. When asked as he was leaving the stage why then there were numerous recent reports of him interviewing female law students “for possible clerkship openings,” Clinton simply smiled and declined comment.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Classic TV Finales, Palestinian Style
Farfour is dead. In the final Hamas-affiliated Al Aqsa TV episode, the Mickey Mouse knockoff who preached Islamic domination was, wait for it... beaten to death by an Israeli Jew.
This whole "beaten to death by Jews" idea for TV series finales could save Hollywood a whole lot of needless time and trouble. Just think, for example, how much easier it would have been to write the final episode of The Sopranos if, by long standing tradition, audiences understood that Tony and his two families would be beaten to death in the end by Hyman Roth's avenging descendants. Of course, such a tradition would have to have started decades ago, so here's what the final episodes of some old TV shows would have gone like if those Farfour writers had been in charge:
Howdy Doody - Clarabell never spoke a word for 13 years until the final minutes of the last show when Buffalo Bob read a note from the clown. "Why, I can't believe it!" Bob exclaimed. "Clarabell can talk! Is this true?" Clarabell nodded. "Well", Bob said, "Go ahead. Say something!" "JEWS!" the clown screamed as Jewish thugs beat the entire cast, crew and kiddie audience to death.
The Fugitive - Just before being stoned to death for killing his wife (ordinarily just a misdemeanor, but she was the Imam's daughter), Dr. Raji Kimble escapes, only to be pursued for years by the relentless police Lt. Mustafa Gerard. Just as Gerard is about to capture Kimble, the One-Armed Jew is discovered lurking in the shadows. Kimble and Gerard catch him and beat him to death, Kimble's name is cleared and the Imam declares a Great Victory and gives Kimble two more of his daughters as a reward.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show - While Mary and the gang at WJM-TV have one final group hug, the phone rings and they discover that their contracts, drawn up by crafty Jewish lawyers, are air-tight and they can't be fired after all. The evil Jewish station owners, outraged, burst into the newsroom and beat them all, except for Ted Baxter, to death.
M*A*S*H: "Goodbye, Farewell and Allahu Akbar" - After the rest of the 4077th bugs out while Jewish North Koreans sweep through the front lines beating to death everyone they encounter, B.J. takes the still recuperating Hawkeye to a waiting helicopter. Once the helicopter is aloft, Hawkeye opens and reads a note from B.J. that reads "My initials stood for ben Judah, you fool!" Realizing he's been duped by evil Jews, Hawkeye is nonetheless too weak to fight back as the evil Jewish helicopter pilot throws him from the chopper to his death. As he plummets, the last thing he sees is where B.J. formed a huge Star of David from stones on the hillside.
Newhart - Bob gets into an altercation with handymen Larry, Darryl and Darryl and they knock him unconscious with a Moose head. When he awakens, he discovers he is in his apartment bedroom lying next to his wife, Rhoda. "What's the matter, Bob?" she asks him, "You've been tossing and turning like a meshugener!" He tells her about his dream and she says, ""That's the last time you nosh on pastrami before bed. You kept me up all night, you putz!" She then beats him to death.
Seinfeld - For no reason at all, the entire cast beat each other to death.
This whole "beaten to death by Jews" idea for TV series finales could save Hollywood a whole lot of needless time and trouble. Just think, for example, how much easier it would have been to write the final episode of The Sopranos if, by long standing tradition, audiences understood that Tony and his two families would be beaten to death in the end by Hyman Roth's avenging descendants. Of course, such a tradition would have to have started decades ago, so here's what the final episodes of some old TV shows would have gone like if those Farfour writers had been in charge:
Howdy Doody - Clarabell never spoke a word for 13 years until the final minutes of the last show when Buffalo Bob read a note from the clown. "Why, I can't believe it!" Bob exclaimed. "Clarabell can talk! Is this true?" Clarabell nodded. "Well", Bob said, "Go ahead. Say something!" "JEWS!" the clown screamed as Jewish thugs beat the entire cast, crew and kiddie audience to death.
The Fugitive - Just before being stoned to death for killing his wife (ordinarily just a misdemeanor, but she was the Imam's daughter), Dr. Raji Kimble escapes, only to be pursued for years by the relentless police Lt. Mustafa Gerard. Just as Gerard is about to capture Kimble, the One-Armed Jew is discovered lurking in the shadows. Kimble and Gerard catch him and beat him to death, Kimble's name is cleared and the Imam declares a Great Victory and gives Kimble two more of his daughters as a reward.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show - While Mary and the gang at WJM-TV have one final group hug, the phone rings and they discover that their contracts, drawn up by crafty Jewish lawyers, are air-tight and they can't be fired after all. The evil Jewish station owners, outraged, burst into the newsroom and beat them all, except for Ted Baxter, to death.
M*A*S*H: "Goodbye, Farewell and Allahu Akbar" - After the rest of the 4077th bugs out while Jewish North Koreans sweep through the front lines beating to death everyone they encounter, B.J. takes the still recuperating Hawkeye to a waiting helicopter. Once the helicopter is aloft, Hawkeye opens and reads a note from B.J. that reads "My initials stood for ben Judah, you fool!" Realizing he's been duped by evil Jews, Hawkeye is nonetheless too weak to fight back as the evil Jewish helicopter pilot throws him from the chopper to his death. As he plummets, the last thing he sees is where B.J. formed a huge Star of David from stones on the hillside.
Newhart - Bob gets into an altercation with handymen Larry, Darryl and Darryl and they knock him unconscious with a Moose head. When he awakens, he discovers he is in his apartment bedroom lying next to his wife, Rhoda. "What's the matter, Bob?" she asks him, "You've been tossing and turning like a meshugener!" He tells her about his dream and she says, ""That's the last time you nosh on pastrami before bed. You kept me up all night, you putz!" She then beats him to death.
Seinfeld - For no reason at all, the entire cast beat each other to death.
Monday, June 25, 2007
A Farewell to Claws?
With a hat tip to Reason's Katherine Mangu-Ward, the (U.K.) Daily Mail reports:
Ah, yes, I can see it now ...
From "A Clean, Well-Heated Tank," by Ernest Lemmingway:
"What did he want to kill himself for?"
"How should I know?"
"How did he do it?"
"He plunged into a pot of boiling water."
"Who pulled him out?"
"The cook."
"Why did they do it?"
"Twenty-three dollars a pound."
People could be prosecuted for being cruel to pet spiders, octopuses and restaurant lobsters under animal welfare plans being considered by the Government....
While it is illegal to mistreat a goldfish, there is nothing to stop people mistreating pet tarantulas or lobsters kept in restaurant aquariums....
While [restaurants] would still be able to boil the crustaceans alive to kill them, they would have to make sure they are kept in clean, warm uncrowded tanks up to that point.
Ah, yes, I can see it now ...
From "A Clean, Well-Heated Tank," by Ernest Lemmingway:
"What did he want to kill himself for?"
"How should I know?"
"How did he do it?"
"He plunged into a pot of boiling water."
"Who pulled him out?"
"The cook."
"Why did they do it?"
"Twenty-three dollars a pound."
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
Constant Viewer: Ocean's Twenty-One
HOLLYWOOD, June 2026 – Principal photography is scheduled to begin this week for Ocean's Twenty-One (working title, O-21: Bingo!), the tenth sequel to the glossy remake of the original glossy Sinatra Rat Pack action / adventure / comedy / romance / paid vacation for middle-aged actors and singers. Once again George Clooney’s Danny Ocean gathers up the usual suspects: Brad Pitt, Elliot Gould, Don Cheadle, Bernie Mac, Casey Affleck, Scott Caan; newcomers Orlando Bloom, Hugh Jackman, Tobey Maguire, Owen Wilson, John Travolta, Johnny Depp; the starting lineup of the Los Angeles Lakers, a CGI performance from the late Prof. Irwin Corey and a special cameo appearance by CBS News anchor Paris Hilton.
This time around also features the return of Matt Damon, missing from the last six sequels since his election ten years ago to the U.S. Senate. Sen. Damon (D-Mass) is ironically reprising his role as "Good" Will Hunting for O-21, now an MIT professor whose mathematical formula to beat the odds at BINGO becomes the film’s McGuffin when Danny and the boys try to clean out every Sunday afternoon BINGO game in Branson, MO in time to make the Early-Bird Special at Denny's. An unnamed aging actress and a pliant ingenue or two round out the cast.
Asked about his new casting choices, Clooney explained from his Palladian villa, Palazzo dei Sequali, “Hey, we’d have gotten Stallone and Willis back if they weren’t busy shooting Rocky Dies Hard IV. But you know, it really doesn’t matter. We plan on milking this cash cow one way or the other until they finally pay us to stop making the damned things."
Clooney surprised television audiences early last year in his first ever return to “E.R.,” then in its thirty-second season, earning an Emmy nomination for his portrayal of “the bleeding guy on the gurney.”
* * * * *
P.S. -- Constant Viewer has seen Ocean's Thirteen and can think of at least thirteen good reasons why you shouldn't, all of which bear portraits of George Washington.
This time around also features the return of Matt Damon, missing from the last six sequels since his election ten years ago to the U.S. Senate. Sen. Damon (D-Mass) is ironically reprising his role as "Good" Will Hunting for O-21, now an MIT professor whose mathematical formula to beat the odds at BINGO becomes the film’s McGuffin when Danny and the boys try to clean out every Sunday afternoon BINGO game in Branson, MO in time to make the Early-Bird Special at Denny's. An unnamed aging actress and a pliant ingenue or two round out the cast.
Asked about his new casting choices, Clooney explained from his Palladian villa, Palazzo dei Sequali, “Hey, we’d have gotten Stallone and Willis back if they weren’t busy shooting Rocky Dies Hard IV. But you know, it really doesn’t matter. We plan on milking this cash cow one way or the other until they finally pay us to stop making the damned things."
Clooney surprised television audiences early last year in his first ever return to “E.R.,” then in its thirty-second season, earning an Emmy nomination for his portrayal of “the bleeding guy on the gurney.”
* * * * *
P.S. -- Constant Viewer has seen Ocean's Thirteen and can think of at least thirteen good reasons why you shouldn't, all of which bear portraits of George Washington.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Debate Parody: Republican Candidates' Closing Remarks
CNN Moderator: And that concludes the question and answer portion of this evening’s Republican presidential candidate debate here in New Hampshire. To conclude tonight’s event, we have asked the candidates, well, some of them anyway, to adapt a television, movie or play monologue as their closing speeches. We will now ask them, in alphabetical order, to give those closing remarks:
Rudy Giuliani:
He that shall live that day, and see old age,
Will daily on the campaign trail feast the voters,
And say 'Once was 9/11.'
Then will he load his film and show his clips,
And say 'These photo ops I had on 9/11 Day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What sound bites spoke that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words -
Rudy the Mayor, and also maybe W.,
Be in their frothy mugs freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the speechwriter ever type;
And 9/11 shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the closing of the polls,
But we in it shall be remembered -
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that casts his vote for me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentile his condition;
And candidates for president now-a-stage
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not there,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That posed with us upon 9/11 Day.
* * * * *
John McCain:
This copy of the Constitution was in your daddy's pocket when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the document, they would confiscate it and take it away. The way your dad looked at it, the Constitution was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: in his ass. Five long years, he wore this document up his ass. Then, when he died of dysentery, he gave me the Constitution. I hid this uncomfortable and legislatively constricting piece of paper up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give it to you. Sorry about that brown stain blotting out some of the Bill of Rights.
* * * * *
Ron Paul:
The key to faking out the Republican mainstream is the anti-tax stand. It's a good non-specific position. A lot of people will tell you that opposing abortion is a dead lock, but if you get any press on it, you could land on the rubber chicken circuit in the Bible Belt. That's worse than Congress. What you do is, you pull out a pocket edition of the Constitution, discover to your ‘astonishment’ there’s nothing about hydroelectric plants or an Air Force in it and then you vote no on the appropriation bill. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is politics.
I did have a debate today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on Islamic fascism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not Islamic, I don't plan on being Islamic, so who gives a crap if some of them are fascists? They could be communist Druids - that still wouldn't change the fact that we’re not on the Gold Standard. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be Dr. Walrus - I'd still have to put up with morons like Giuliani.
* * * * *
Mitt Romney:
Ah, hello. Well, first of all I'd like to apologize for the behavior of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved Republican Party or of today’s mostly monogamous Mormon Church. They are a small vociferous minority... and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no polygamy in the Republican Party, at least not among those of us who are also in the Mormon Church, which is more than some non-Mormon Republicans can say, not that I’d ever mention it. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new members are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find more than two toothbrushes in the master bathroom, they're to tell me immediately so that I can take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, child brides are right out, unless the candidate is an actor.
* * * * *
Tom Tancredo:
Son, we live in a country that has borders, and those borders have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Romney? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for illegal immigrants, and you curse the border patrol. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the occasional illegal's death, while tragic, probably saved jobs. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves jobs. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to build that wall, you need me to build that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. English words. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the Navajo blanket of the very security that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a post hole shovel, and help build the wall. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
* * * * *
CNN Moderator: Thank you, Gentlemen. Unfortunately, we’ve run out of time, so as the closing credits role, let’s hear briefly from all the other candidates:
Chorus (Sam Brownback, Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, Duncan Hunter, Tommy Thompson) in unison:
We represent the Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
And in the name of the Rest of the Paaaaaaaack,
We’d like a house to drop on these guys, too!
* * * * *
Rudy Giuliani:
He that shall live that day, and see old age,
Will daily on the campaign trail feast the voters,
And say 'Once was 9/11.'
Then will he load his film and show his clips,
And say 'These photo ops I had on 9/11 Day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What sound bites spoke that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words -
Rudy the Mayor, and also maybe W.,
Be in their frothy mugs freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the speechwriter ever type;
And 9/11 shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the closing of the polls,
But we in it shall be remembered -
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that casts his vote for me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentile his condition;
And candidates for president now-a-stage
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not there,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That posed with us upon 9/11 Day.
* * * * *
John McCain:
This copy of the Constitution was in your daddy's pocket when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the document, they would confiscate it and take it away. The way your dad looked at it, the Constitution was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: in his ass. Five long years, he wore this document up his ass. Then, when he died of dysentery, he gave me the Constitution. I hid this uncomfortable and legislatively constricting piece of paper up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give it to you. Sorry about that brown stain blotting out some of the Bill of Rights.
* * * * *
Ron Paul:
The key to faking out the Republican mainstream is the anti-tax stand. It's a good non-specific position. A lot of people will tell you that opposing abortion is a dead lock, but if you get any press on it, you could land on the rubber chicken circuit in the Bible Belt. That's worse than Congress. What you do is, you pull out a pocket edition of the Constitution, discover to your ‘astonishment’ there’s nothing about hydroelectric plants or an Air Force in it and then you vote no on the appropriation bill. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is politics.
I did have a debate today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on Islamic fascism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not Islamic, I don't plan on being Islamic, so who gives a crap if some of them are fascists? They could be communist Druids - that still wouldn't change the fact that we’re not on the Gold Standard. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be Dr. Walrus - I'd still have to put up with morons like Giuliani.
* * * * *
Mitt Romney:
Ah, hello. Well, first of all I'd like to apologize for the behavior of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved Republican Party or of today’s mostly monogamous Mormon Church. They are a small vociferous minority... and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no polygamy in the Republican Party, at least not among those of us who are also in the Mormon Church, which is more than some non-Mormon Republicans can say, not that I’d ever mention it. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new members are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find more than two toothbrushes in the master bathroom, they're to tell me immediately so that I can take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, child brides are right out, unless the candidate is an actor.
* * * * *
Tom Tancredo:
Son, we live in a country that has borders, and those borders have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Romney? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for illegal immigrants, and you curse the border patrol. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the occasional illegal's death, while tragic, probably saved jobs. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves jobs. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to build that wall, you need me to build that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. English words. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the Navajo blanket of the very security that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a post hole shovel, and help build the wall. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
* * * * *
CNN Moderator: Thank you, Gentlemen. Unfortunately, we’ve run out of time, so as the closing credits role, let’s hear briefly from all the other candidates:
Chorus (Sam Brownback, Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, Duncan Hunter, Tommy Thompson) in unison:
We represent the Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
The Rest of the Pack,
And in the name of the Rest of the Paaaaaaaack,
We’d like a house to drop on these guys, too!
* * * * *
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Google Buys All Internet Porn Sites, Launches You-bOOb (BETA)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, California - Google Inc. (NASDAQ: gOOg) today announced the acquisition of the last remaining internet porn site and launched its newest and most ambitious Google product to date, You-bOOb. "Let’s face it, 99.999% of both internet sites and internet traffic is for porn, so obviously that’s where the real money is," said Google co-founder and President Larry Page. “And we ought to know. If you took away the approximately one trillion porn searches using Google every day, hell, we could run the rest of the whole operation from a couple of old Apple II’s we’ve got sitting around up in the attic.”
Page’s Google co-founder, Sergey Brin elaborated further. “Basically, by buying up every single internet porn site – which, by the way, was effected largely by transfer of shares of our already absurdly over-priced common stock to the prior porn site owners – we have not only provided the internet porn seeker with a simplified, one-stop search process for all his pornographic needs at You-bOOb, we have also significantly enhanced the access speed for the remaining 0.0001% of internet traffic. Plus, of course, it makes it that much easier for us to data-mine the amazing amount of, let’s just say, ‘valuable’ information we’ve been collecting about the perverse and disgusting habits of the millions of internet users we’ve been keeping track of since we first launched Google.” “Oh, and also it’s lucrative as hell and we thought of it before Bill Gates did!” Page chuckled.
Industry financial analysts have already reacted favorably to the announcement, noting that pornography is practically the only thing that makes a profit on the internet, anyway, and raised Google's average one year target price estimate from $567 to $12,348,931 per share.
Page’s Google co-founder, Sergey Brin elaborated further. “Basically, by buying up every single internet porn site – which, by the way, was effected largely by transfer of shares of our already absurdly over-priced common stock to the prior porn site owners – we have not only provided the internet porn seeker with a simplified, one-stop search process for all his pornographic needs at You-bOOb, we have also significantly enhanced the access speed for the remaining 0.0001% of internet traffic. Plus, of course, it makes it that much easier for us to data-mine the amazing amount of, let’s just say, ‘valuable’ information we’ve been collecting about the perverse and disgusting habits of the millions of internet users we’ve been keeping track of since we first launched Google.” “Oh, and also it’s lucrative as hell and we thought of it before Bill Gates did!” Page chuckled.
Industry financial analysts have already reacted favorably to the announcement, noting that pornography is practically the only thing that makes a profit on the internet, anyway, and raised Google's average one year target price estimate from $567 to $12,348,931 per share.
Keanu Reeves to Star in Film Version of Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason
HOLLYWOOD, California – Avant-garde film director and screenwriter Charlie Kaufman announced today that he has signed Matrix trilogy star Keanu Reeves for the lead in his long awaited screen adaptation of Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. Bringing the philosophical classic to the big screen has been a dream of Kaufman’s for many years, but finding the right protagonist has been a major stumbling block, he told Hollywood reporters. “I’ve been fascinated with the relationship between the phenomenal and the noumenal ever since I first read Kant,” Kaufman explained. “Plus there’s that whole reconciliation of rationalism and empiricism to deal with and the problem of synthetic a priori knowledge. Exciting stuff. Well, to make a long story short, I knew I finally had the right approach when it came to me to rewrite it as an action / science fiction vehicle – the epic struggle between the merely phenomenal world of our experience and the ever lurking presence of pure noumena, hence my working title, Attack of the Things In Themselves.”
After his success with such offbeat films as Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kaufman had little trouble getting Attack of the Things In Themselves (or TIT Attack, as Kaufman jokes) green-lighted. “All the major studios wanted to get on board. Money wasn’t the problem at all. But finding the right actor was almost a show stopper. I knew I needed someone who could convincingly project complete obliviousness to the rich tapestry of interlocking and underlying concepts of the movie as well as personify, physically as well as emotionally, the overwhelming blankness of pure noumena in the final reel. Amazingly enough, I’d forgotten all about the Matrix movies. Well, maybe not so amazing when you consider the last two of them. But then when I saw Keanau in The Lake House, suddenly everything clicked.”
Principle photography is scheduled to begin in late 2007. When recently asked how he could justify his current salary demand of "one gazillion dollars per movie," Reeves displayed his signature spasmodic head twitch and replied, “I know Kung Fu.”
After his success with such offbeat films as Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kaufman had little trouble getting Attack of the Things In Themselves (or TIT Attack, as Kaufman jokes) green-lighted. “All the major studios wanted to get on board. Money wasn’t the problem at all. But finding the right actor was almost a show stopper. I knew I needed someone who could convincingly project complete obliviousness to the rich tapestry of interlocking and underlying concepts of the movie as well as personify, physically as well as emotionally, the overwhelming blankness of pure noumena in the final reel. Amazingly enough, I’d forgotten all about the Matrix movies. Well, maybe not so amazing when you consider the last two of them. But then when I saw Keanau in The Lake House, suddenly everything clicked.”
Principle photography is scheduled to begin in late 2007. When recently asked how he could justify his current salary demand of "one gazillion dollars per movie," Reeves displayed his signature spasmodic head twitch and replied, “I know Kung Fu.”
Stunning New Poll Results: Presidential Candidate Ron Paul Suddenly Leads Pack
PRINCETON, New Jersey – A new Gallup Poll survey of likely voters in the 2008 presidential election shockingly shows libertarian Representative Ron Paul (R-Texas) the new front runner. Results from the survey of over six hundred Americans randomly selected from a database comprised from a list of subscribers to Reason Magazine, contributors to the Cato Institute and members of the Mont Pelerin Society showed that 87% of likely voters prefer Paul over the other announced candidates. Second place went to “None of the Above” (10%) and third place (2%) to “Unsure.” Former front runners Barack Obama, John McCain and Hillary Rodham Clinton came in at 0.01%, 0.0002% and –99.4%, respectively. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus six and seven eighth's percent.
Congressman Paul was informed of the poll’s findings while attending a fund raising event. “I’m gratified by these numbers,” the former flight surgeon told reporters, “and I think it just goes to support what I’ve been saying for some time. No one is better qualified than I am to be President of the United States. Unfortunately, the Constitution doesn’t permit us to elect no one, so I’m the next best thing.”
Those attending the fund raiser, a Fish Fry with catering provided by the congressman’s wife, Mrs. Paul, were also gladdened by the news. “This is great,” said the candidate’s son, Franciscan seminarian Ron Paul II while taking over for his mother at the deep fryer. "Dad's the major flier in the family and mom's the major fryer, so it only made sense for me to become the friar minor" he joked. The younger Paul then attempted to explain his father’s campaign strategy and governing philosophy. Regrettably, the exceedingly high volume of the recorded guitar music played in the background by the candidate’s cousin, the late Les Paul, made the son's comments impossible to understand. The beer battered fish fillets, however, were very tasty.
Congressman Paul was informed of the poll’s findings while attending a fund raising event. “I’m gratified by these numbers,” the former flight surgeon told reporters, “and I think it just goes to support what I’ve been saying for some time. No one is better qualified than I am to be President of the United States. Unfortunately, the Constitution doesn’t permit us to elect no one, so I’m the next best thing.”
Those attending the fund raiser, a Fish Fry with catering provided by the congressman’s wife, Mrs. Paul, were also gladdened by the news. “This is great,” said the candidate’s son, Franciscan seminarian Ron Paul II while taking over for his mother at the deep fryer. "Dad's the major flier in the family and mom's the major fryer, so it only made sense for me to become the friar minor" he joked. The younger Paul then attempted to explain his father’s campaign strategy and governing philosophy. Regrettably, the exceedingly high volume of the recorded guitar music played in the background by the candidate’s cousin, the late Les Paul, made the son's comments impossible to understand. The beer battered fish fillets, however, were very tasty.
Leno Gives Away Prized Car Collection To Delighted Studio Audience
BURBANK, California – Studio audience members were stunned and delighted during a special Sunday taping of The Tonight Show when host Jay Leno told them to look under their seats where each one found a set of keys and the pink slip to one of Leno’s collection of classic automobiles and motorcycles.
“If Oprah can do it, so can I,” said the lantern-jawed comedian. “Frankly, it was time to start downsizing. I had three football field sized warehouses holding the collection, and what with NBC farming me out in a couple of years for What’s-his-name, that kid from Harvard, the Missus was getting on my case about the upkeep.”
Leno said he was keeping his favorite, the 1941 V-12 American-LaFrance fire truck, to use as a daily driver after he retires from The Tonight Show. “The beautiful thing about the American-LaFrance, aside from the fact that it gets close to seven miles to the gallon,” he said, “is that you can just drive over and flatten three celebrity-owned Prius’s when you need a parking space on Rodeo Drive.”
In related news, rival talk show host David Letterman said he was giving serious consideration to giving lucky studio audience members autographed copies from his extensive collection of speeding tickets, also estimated to require three warehouses to store.
“If Oprah can do it, so can I,” said the lantern-jawed comedian. “Frankly, it was time to start downsizing. I had three football field sized warehouses holding the collection, and what with NBC farming me out in a couple of years for What’s-his-name, that kid from Harvard, the Missus was getting on my case about the upkeep.”
Leno said he was keeping his favorite, the 1941 V-12 American-LaFrance fire truck, to use as a daily driver after he retires from The Tonight Show. “The beautiful thing about the American-LaFrance, aside from the fact that it gets close to seven miles to the gallon,” he said, “is that you can just drive over and flatten three celebrity-owned Prius’s when you need a parking space on Rodeo Drive.”
In related news, rival talk show host David Letterman said he was giving serious consideration to giving lucky studio audience members autographed copies from his extensive collection of speeding tickets, also estimated to require three warehouses to store.
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