Constant Viewer's Summer Roundup

Constant Viewer is sometimes asked why, since he isn’t paid to do so, he occasionally goes to movies knowing well in advance that they are going to defy the laws of physics and simultaneously suck and blow. Collaterally, CV is asked if there are any such movies so far beneath his contempt that even he won’t stoop to go seeing them.

Good questions. Glad you asked.

In the first place, CV has not ruled out the possibility of one day actually being paid to write his shallow little, myopic and idiosyncratic movie reviews, notwithstanding the fact that no professional journal or periodical that isn’t already in bankruptcy proceedings would venture such a foolish hire. In the second place, being among the idle poor or, as CV prefers to be called, independently lower middle class, CV probably has more free time than those of you who continue to trade what someone else wants you to do for mere money. (Not that there’s anything wrong with mere money. See “In the first place,” supra!) Some of you will be shocked (shocked!) to learn that CV actually sees movies occasionally about which he does not scurry home and knock off one of his little 500 word tantrums. (See infra. Nota bene, also, how CV works those Latin term paper words into his reviews. What a guy!)

In the third place, many of you would be even more astonished at how low Constant Viewer’s contempt is willing to descend on the right occasion. Still, as they say in rehab (or so CV is told), you know you’ve hit your bottom when you can’t lower your standards fast enough to keep up with your behavior. And in that spirit CV is happy to report that there are a number of movies on the Hollywood Horizon to which CV will not be, um, exposing himself.

Brideshead Revisited : CV doesn’t care how talented Michael Gambone, Emma Thompson or any of the rest of the cast are or how wonderful this 135 minute feature film version of Evelyn Waugh’s most famous novel may be. It will never, CV repeats, never come close to being nearly as magnificent as the nearly perfect seven hour miniseries version made in the early 1980s.

CV can think of even dumber motion picture remakes. Psycho, for example, not that anyone would be stupid enough to try that! But the only possible saving grace to this movie is if it doesn’t suck so badly it encourages our vast and intentionally illiterate nation, who still wouldn’t read a novel even if Oprah told them to, to find the classic Brideshead DVD set and marvel at how good television can actually be.

The X Files: I Want To Believe: Who the hell green-lighted this thing? Come on, isn’t Chris Carter like the uncle you used to think was so cool back when you were nine or ten only to discover a decade later what a phony jerk the guy was? If there was ever need for more proof of P.T. Barnum’s famous observation about the birthrate of suckers, this hand-me-down David Lynch's ramblings fit the bill even better than LOST.

Hey kids, remember when David Duchovny was going to be a big movie star? For the record, picking up a paycheck as the voice of Tiny Jesus in Queer Duck: The Movie doesn’t count. Meanwhile, ambiguity born of sloppy, aimless writing and unresolved plotting isn’t the same thing as suspense born of tight writing and plotting even if you can convince gullible pre-teens it is for a television series or two.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: George Lucas is the happiest man on earth now that his fondest dream has come true. That dream is, of course, to be rid once and for all of real actors, locations and all those other dreary necessities of live action movies. Let’s face it, the Star Wars money machine was always a cartoon waiting to happen. Well, now it finally has. CV notes, by the way, that according to the IMDb this 90 minute Saturday morning cartoon has been “rated PG for sci-fi action violence throughout, brief language and momentary smoking.” Have we become so paranoid, so petrified, so pussified as a people that the mere fleeting image of a cartoon character momentarily smoking is enough to warrant a PG rating? (The answer, sadly enough, appears to be yes, yes we have.)

So, are there any openings left this summer CV is looking forward to seeing? Why, yes, as a matter of fact, there are. First, although CV isn’t a big comedy fan, Tropic Thunder looks quite engaging. Second, although it may not come out in wide release, Brad Anderson’s Transsiberian looks intriguing. And finally, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor looks like a fun popcorn movie.

(Oh, and speaking of, well, actually implicitly referring to, Brendan Fraiser, Journey to the Center of the Earth is also a fun popcorn movie, especially in 3D, and well worth taking the kids to go see. And so, if it’s still playing at an art house near you, is the charming, bittersweet The Visitor.)

See you at the Bijou.