And... They're Off!

Based on what little of the Republican National Infomercial I managed to catch (read: failed to avoid), their message is strong and clear: America needs a president whom only the Republicans can provide – a man who can make America once again safe, secure, prosperous and free after eight years of a disastrous and failed, um, Republican presidency. While not quite rising to the remorseful, tear-soaked morning-after promises thuggish husbands tell their battered wives, there’s nonetheless something that’s almost as thrillingly brazen as it is breathtakingly desperate about this gambit.

And it just might work.

Mind you, as far as I can tell, Barack Obama is an empty vessel with paper-thin qualifications (if any are really necessary, which I doubt) into which voters foolish enough to expect good things from government can pour their hopes and dreams. He’s a smooth talkin’ son-of-a-gun and mighty good lookin’, too. Just the sort of guy for the nation to get its next teenage girl crush on. And just as likely to end in heartbreak as all the others before him, too, but never mind all that! The guy’s a dreamboat!

In fact, Obama’s major qualification as a candidate is precisely that he is (still!) an unknown. (Libertarian Party VP candidate Wayne Allyn Root is the sort of guy who gives the LP the reputation it so richly deserves, but this is both funny and weirdly significant.) Hey, even if it does turn out that there really isn’t that much there there, that to hardly know him is to know him well, well, better the devil you don’t know, sometimes. After all, that’s how we got Bill Clinton and does anyone honestly think he wouldn’t still be in office but for that pesky 22nd Amendment? (My guess is that at this point we'd not only welcome him back but lure him with a lifetime supply of kneeling interns if that's what it took.)

Meanwhile, did anyone even so much as mention George W. Bush at the Republican bash? I don’t know, I really didn’t follow it all that much, but it felt like being at a family reunion where, on the one hand, everyone avoids mentioning Uncle Fred ever since his NAMBLA membership became public knowledge but, on the other, everyone feels a bit of silent relief they no longer have to pretend he really isn’t a pervert. (And let’s not even get started about Vice President "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.")

Back to the Republicans’ message, though: The world is a dangerous place (and McCain intends to see to it that it stays that way), taxes are too high (most Americans are so crippled by their tax burden that they can actually remember how many homes they own, or used to), federal programs are too intrusive and expansive (except maybe when it comes to money pouring into Alaska and restrictions on the funding of political speech), all life is sacred (at least until it’s born), borders should be open to the free flow of goods (but not people) and the rest of the world deserves American style democracy and John McCain is just the sort of guy to see to it that they get it, good and hard.

Meanwhile, I did tune in the other night to watch the rollout of their new 2008 Palin. Okay, o there wasn’t as much research, development or testing, either in the lab or the field, of this new major Republican brand as the federal government would require of something more dangerous than a Vice President like, say, a hair dryer or a child’s toy. But I disagree with some of my co-bloggers here and think the unveiling and initial product pitch went very well.

And then there’s John McCain, himself. The man’s a hero, there’s no question about that. He’s exactly like John Wayne was if only John Wayne really had been a hero and John McCain really could act. (Okay, so John Wayne really couldn’t act, either. But he did the best John Wayne in the business, and that’s pretty close to acting.) And so what if according to every single insider source McCain really does have the fly-off-the-handle temper problem of an abusive husband around staff and just about everyone else when the cameras aren't rolling? It isn’t like either the Republicans or the Democrats in Congress would just roll over and let the president go around, oh, say, invading other nations just because of a handful of bearded guys living in caves, is it?

I have no idea how Sarah Palin will play out over the next two months, but two months isn’t a long time. I remain frankly amazed that McCain hasn’t yet revealed his own darker side, so what do I know? So, too, I’d be among the first to acknowledge that Obama has some (Bill) Clintonesque charm and rhetorical skills that may dazzle come “debate” time. Biden? *shrug* I doubt he’ll help Obama all that much or hurt him much, either. Based on her acceptance speech, however, Palin’s addition to the McCain ticket raises the stakes on the vice presidential debate dramatically. As matters stand today, that might prove to be the pivotal campaign event. *yet another shrug* We’ll see.